Met a guy I used to know. Have a drink. Stuff in the air. Ask him about his current fortune. He shakes his head. I take a sip and remember the past. Passionate. Car crash. Hanging on for both our lives. How about you, he asks. I shake my head. Lonely, he sighs, licking his mauve glistening lips with the tip of his tongue. I nod. Stuff in the air.
I know want he's thinking. But it wouldn't work, he likes bitches. I wouldn't stand a chance. Broken in two. Torn to pieces. Sip my drink. Contemplate sleeping around. Ignoring his needs. Treat em mean. Pretend I don't give a fuck. Spend the day impressing losers. Ignore the phone calls. I know how to do it - I just don't like the rules. He licks his lips once more. I smile. He smiles. Stuff in the air.
I watch him reminisce. I gave him stuff. Stuff the bitches could never give. I made him feel. Really feel. I noticed the tiniest things about him. I made him question the reason he sleeps with shallow polished ice blocks that leave him emptied out on the floor. He smiles at me. I smile at him. Stuff in the air. Fucking hell.
Then it begins. Sucks me in. Pushes me away. He licks his lips more slowly this time. Allowing the wine to linger a little longer. Begins to stretch his broad shoulders. Smiles. Doesn't say a word. Not a single word. Just leaves me hanging. Waiting. Wanting. Say something. Anything. Nothing. Not a single word. Then with one dismissive shake of the head, he pushes me away once more. Torn to pieces. Broken in two. He just laughs. He just laughs.
Time to go. Just one more, he begs. Still playing with the possible maybes. Life. Politics. Teenage nightmares laying naked on the table. He is amazing. Fucking amazing. If only he knew. But he doesn't know. That's why he likes bitches. Treat em mean. Torn to pieces. Playing with fire. Stuff in the air. He smiles at me. I hold back the tears. Time to go. Time to go.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Hook
I look at him and think it would be so easy. Too easy.
It would only take a little suggestion, the slightest flirtation.
He is after all in the comfortable fun friend zone. He is just waiting to be invited in closer.
I could take him home with me tonight. Temporarily fill what is missing. Warm my bed, entice a laugh. Keep me from being alone.
But what would I do with him in the morning? He'd make me tea. Fix my garage door. Find excuses not to go as I pushed him out.
After the fifth morning after text I would regret my weakness, questioning my impulsiveness.
Until I was horny again.
It would only take a little suggestion, the slightest flirtation.
He is after all in the comfortable fun friend zone. He is just waiting to be invited in closer.
I could take him home with me tonight. Temporarily fill what is missing. Warm my bed, entice a laugh. Keep me from being alone.
But what would I do with him in the morning? He'd make me tea. Fix my garage door. Find excuses not to go as I pushed him out.
After the fifth morning after text I would regret my weakness, questioning my impulsiveness.
Until I was horny again.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Blue to Red
She opened the Christmas gift that first year. It was so easy to shop for her then, she had nothing.
The heavy box said "Le Creuset" and that brand of cookware was just what she wanted.
But they were blue. She had wanted red.
He watched her face as she unwrapped the blue corkscrew opener and she would never use as she didn't drink. "I know you wanted red. but I have always liked blue the best."
She kept the glittery paper between them as she opened the expensive blue bean pot that would stay high out of reach, along with the useless fish pan.
She should have tried to smile more. It won't have killed anyone.
"
"If you don't like them you can always retry them', he said his voice becoming more angry.
No she couldn't. He had purchased them in another state and had already submitted the receipt to his company. So she just thanked him again.
The Dutch oven she used often. Until he broke the knob of it's top and left cabbage simmer dry to burn it's bottom beyond use.
She will figure out a way to buy her own for her little kitchen and any dishes for him will be served cold.
The heavy box said "Le Creuset" and that brand of cookware was just what she wanted.
But they were blue. She had wanted red.
He watched her face as she unwrapped the blue corkscrew opener and she would never use as she didn't drink. "I know you wanted red. but I have always liked blue the best."
She kept the glittery paper between them as she opened the expensive blue bean pot that would stay high out of reach, along with the useless fish pan.
She should have tried to smile more. It won't have killed anyone.
"
"If you don't like them you can always retry them', he said his voice becoming more angry.
No she couldn't. He had purchased them in another state and had already submitted the receipt to his company. So she just thanked him again.
The Dutch oven she used often. Until he broke the knob of it's top and left cabbage simmer dry to burn it's bottom beyond use.
She will figure out a way to buy her own for her little kitchen and any dishes for him will be served cold.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Post Script
I meant to tell you more,
like how my aunt Lila massaged Nixon and I wanted to kidnap your dog for an anti spa day. I read your business blog, every word to try to understand what you do so seemingly effortlessly. I never shared how I wanted to groom you like a mother primate. That I could never figure out when you where showing me professional face, so I rarely believed you, even though you never did me wrong. How my legs would shake on my way to see you, and when I seen you the shakes turned to butterflies in my belly. When I was alone I would do impersonations of your impersonations and giggle. I had seen the cash you were trying to give me and tried to run down the stairs so you wouldn't. How when I climbed into your sexy little car I felt I was stepping onto the closet of Narnia, because your world was magical and foreign to me. I wanted to tell you all about that time I was in New York and had the most delicious food and was taken shopping for the most delicate lingerie, but you were there. I want to reminisce the winter the saw mill went on strike and the family lived on peanut butter and potatoes but kept that to myself. I wanted to confess after I smeared lube on your eyeglasses when you were in the bathroom and drew hearts on the lens but didn't. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and would never hurt any part of you, but that was only part right.
like how my aunt Lila massaged Nixon and I wanted to kidnap your dog for an anti spa day. I read your business blog, every word to try to understand what you do so seemingly effortlessly. I never shared how I wanted to groom you like a mother primate. That I could never figure out when you where showing me professional face, so I rarely believed you, even though you never did me wrong. How my legs would shake on my way to see you, and when I seen you the shakes turned to butterflies in my belly. When I was alone I would do impersonations of your impersonations and giggle. I had seen the cash you were trying to give me and tried to run down the stairs so you wouldn't. How when I climbed into your sexy little car I felt I was stepping onto the closet of Narnia, because your world was magical and foreign to me. I wanted to tell you all about that time I was in New York and had the most delicious food and was taken shopping for the most delicate lingerie, but you were there. I want to reminisce the winter the saw mill went on strike and the family lived on peanut butter and potatoes but kept that to myself. I wanted to confess after I smeared lube on your eyeglasses when you were in the bathroom and drew hearts on the lens but didn't. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and would never hurt any part of you, but that was only part right.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
Suicide Ghosts
You don't always see the suicide ghosts, but their all around you. Fuck, I'm one.
I wasn't always so vague. Oh hell no. I was full of life. I was sunshine and warmth in human form. Full of virility. My future shined and I floated with my feet on the ground. You seen and felt me when I entered a room.
But I was not invincible. Not even close. Suicide ghosts are victims only of their own smug ego's. They get too big for their strong bodies and the physical form can no longer hold them
Bam! I never seen myself coming. I was above myself.
Empty and hallow now without emotion is how I spend my days. I hurt too many people, there is no pain left for me.
So I spend my hours drifting about. Cold and empty.You will think you see me occasionally, but not really. I am mostly invisible and you will look right through me. For those I love I will on occasion turn the karma up so they do not forget me. Most of them anyway.
Memories. At least I have the memories.
I wasn't always so vague. Oh hell no. I was full of life. I was sunshine and warmth in human form. Full of virility. My future shined and I floated with my feet on the ground. You seen and felt me when I entered a room.
But I was not invincible. Not even close. Suicide ghosts are victims only of their own smug ego's. They get too big for their strong bodies and the physical form can no longer hold them
Bam! I never seen myself coming. I was above myself.
Empty and hallow now without emotion is how I spend my days. I hurt too many people, there is no pain left for me.
So I spend my hours drifting about. Cold and empty.You will think you see me occasionally, but not really. I am mostly invisible and you will look right through me. For those I love I will on occasion turn the karma up so they do not forget me. Most of them anyway.
Memories. At least I have the memories.
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